Asia: Return of the King

So I arrived home to find the walls of my kingdom in ashes.I wouldn’t be surprised if my mom’s subterfuge was behind it all - she knows I’m trying to quit smoking – and not being able to take a clean breath down here really helps.

Anyway, I just got back from a 10 day romp in the motherland and wouldn’t say that there have been any major developments since my majesty departed a year ago…

I have concluded that Taiwan is out to fuck me by stamping their big fat R.O.C. customs stamp right beside my China Visa every, single, time.So when I do finally try and get pass the Great Wall, not only will I have to present them with my turncoat American Passport, but right there next to their Visa sits the mark of the renegade province.As if they didn’t hate me enough for having good hygiene.Jesus.

With the SARS outbreak, the airports in Asia have all equipped themselves with thermo imagining aka “Predator Vision.”After being asked to take off my hat I could see a solarized version of myself on the monitor and my forehead was significantly redder than the rest of my face, indicating fever I suppose.They made me wait a few minutes and then took my temperature.I was normal and they let me pass unquarentened, but pissed about the delay I took a step and erupted into an exaggerated hacking cough all the way to the customs line.Bitches should know better than to delay the King.

Taiwan was Taiwan as usual.Good food à ass-crack-of-dawn partying à good food again.My friend and I met the cutest lil’ girl at this café.We started to chat and BAM! she was missing a tooth.I am aware that Mainlanders have black teeth from the lack of brushing and O.D.ing on tetracycline as children.Taiwanese – well, they’re doing too much E or something.At first I assumed it was just some spinach caught on her tooth or something.But at second glace, it didn’t take an FBI undercover unit to conclude that, yuuup, she was missing a goddamn tooth.Having killed it for me, my friend insisted that we call her the next day and I had to respectfully decline.Not to mention slap him in his face.The fact that this toothless girl was more than willing to socialize reflects a greater trend in the Taiwanese atmosphere . . . the Taiwanese people aren’t nearly as full of their own shit as the Kongies.

In Hong Kong, where a fat bitch with a perm is pretty much considered the cream of the crop, the people are just smothered in their own false sense of self-importance.Bar-Lounges are exclusive, regardless of capacity and 4^th tier hand models strut around like they’re on international Palmolive print adds or something.It’s so fucking ridiculous there, that the King has had to lay the smack down several times during his brief reign.

But while in HK, I did get to see a lot of old work / college friends and watch my good friend get hitched to her boyfriend of 9 years.

On my way back, the King had to sit in deluxe economy class which is pretty much economy with a personal tv screen.Not that I mind when contiguous passengers have a hygiene IQ of over one.But with my luck I sat in front of this elderly peasant couple with complete and utter disregard for social propriety.I sat window seat in front of the “lady” and she used my left armrest as a foot stool.The first thing I noticed upon sitting down were these mangled toe claws just kickin’ it.I debated whether or not to take a picture just to post but decided to spare you the indigestion.Sick of smelling and looking at the hyper-accelerated fungus colony, I reclined my seat and tried to sleep.Of course half way through a wonderful dream consisting of that girl from the café with dentures, she uses the back of my seat to brace herself while getting up.But instead of gently propping herself up with the gentle grace required in these situations, she grabs the back of my headrest and proceeds to have a seizure while lifting her ass out of her seat.Of course I looked up at her, started hacking and shivering uncontrollably. She let go.

With all these highly anticipated movie sequels in the distribution queue, I’ve come down with a case of necrophobia.  I need answers, and need them fucking now: Will Matrix Three be the same mind-fuck as Martix Two or will it be magnanimous enough to let Monica Belluci’s bare mammaries save the world? Will Natalie Portman finally satiate public demand and fulfill her Jedi destiny by doing an explicit sex scene when consummating Luke and Leah? Seriously guys, let’s just boycott all of her movies until her filmography succumbs to soft-core. Will Samwise toss Frodo’s salad in “Return of the King?” Okay, I know the answer to the last one because I read the book, and the answer is - you bet your goddamn salad bowl he does.  The reason I bring this up is because I just finished watching Kill Bill Vol.1 but have to wait until fuckin February! for the finale.  I’m kinda glad they did two parts because I needed to take a piss so bad that by the end of this installment, I had to leave my seat, go near the exit, and bust out a ceremonial Indian rain dance just to shake off the pressure all the way up to the credits.  But come to think of it, what if I fall ill? (Knocking on my woody 3 times for Supernat’s Star Wars 7: Return of the Queen, director’s cut).  I’ll never know if Kill Bill will depict Uma wiggling something other than her big toe or gripping something other than a sword shaft.

The Rockinest Show on Earth - RHCP

So tonight Koming and I went to the forum to catch the Flaming Lips and Red Hot Chili Peppers.   We get there just a little after FL gets on and they're playing some trippy techno version of the White Stripes' "Seven Nation Army."  It wasn't bad, but I like the original-no-frills-except-the-drill-that rocks-your-fat-ass-off-the-effects-pedals version of it better.   Okay, I have to shamefully admit - I was more excited about seeing the Lips than RHCP.  Only because the last time I saw the peppers - their show was watered down and anticlimactic after Stone Temple Pilots preceded them and then proceeded to just rip the goddamn girders off the stage...but OH! how low expectations can blossom into the baddest ass concert experience of my life.   It's like when you're dating a girl who only wears minimizer bras, and the first time she let's the dogs out on you its like she's got a helium tank plugged into her ass.  Nothing makes this boy happier than the element of pleasant surprise. 

The Lips, oh yeah, they were awful.  Their stupid gimmicks could only hide the fact that they were amateur peons for about the first two songs.  They were such a disappointment, I don't really even want to waste server space by posting about them.   But let me just say this - studio magic does wonders for the lead singer's voice, in fact, I give their techies the Korean Plastic Surgeon Award for making something so ugly so beautiful on wax.   Their lead singer, you know that guy that bleeds his face at every show, he blows ass.   Seriously, he couldn't hold a note Pavarotti possessed his soul.  Koming and I both agreed that they could have taken anybody, at random, from the audience and that person would have rocked harder and been more on key.   Their show was a disgrace to their records, and the dancing on-stage groupies in animal costumes didn't add much to the cause.  The only two highlights of their show was 1) this little kid, probably the bastard son of the bleeding guy, who twirled a light saber while striking poses on stage; and 2) when they played this 20 second clip of some topless chick dancing like one of Robert Palmer’s mannequins from his “Simply Irresistible” video.  Then after every song he had some sort of gay message like, "I like Arnold’s movies but is he really the governor?"   Yo, if I wanted to sit in on a political rally I would have just been the Van Wilder of Cal Berkeley.  And then they had this video clip from the Vietnam war, you know the one where the handcuffed pho-pusher gets one in the dome from a commie’s revolver, and then falls to the floor with blood fountaining out of his temple like a goddamn broken sprinkler?  Yeah, they had that blazing on the big screen - repeat.  Horrible, just horrible.   The Flaming Lips were hurting tonight, and the crowd let them have it by booing them mercilessly through their last couple of songs.

Needless to say, they didn’t stick around for an encore nor was the Forum crowd begging for one.  The Flaming Lips?  Yup, they suck so hard that they’ve got-ta! got-ta! got-ta! feel oral burning sensations.

Anyway, the Peppers came on about 30 minutes later…and put on the most rockinest concert ever.

This was all about the home-court advantage.  This is where the Showtime Lakers dominated the NBA for a half decade, and the Lakers of today were born.  Standing on the Forum floor I could imagine what it would have been like for Magic Johnson, my HIV hero, to have made a last second shot, look up at the crowd and hoist that crooked index finger in victory.  The Great Western Forum housed a hometown crowd that was buzzing to welcome the pride of LA back from 18 months of touring.  RHCP responded and rose to the occasion, or what they called “their dream of playing at the Forum,” rocking the shit out everybody right down the fucker selling iced-cold lemonade.  I don’t know if it was being in the pit, the seventeen thousand screaming/singing fans, flea’s uncanny ability to slap out the fattest fuckin’ bass lines, the crazy riffs, the soaring chorus-laced harmonies, the purple lights, or just Anthony Keidas’ energy and acrobatics.  But the Peppers put on the rockinest show I have ever had the good fortune of being a part of.  All praise be to Allah.  Up to this point, that honor went to Guns and Roses in Hong Kong but tonight RHCP displayed an unparalleled unity splashed with the individual paintings of each band member’s personality which made for artistic perfection.  Over the years, the Peppers have honed their act and produced so many hits that each song on the set-list called out the bullhorns. You know, most bands that I see play filler songs or little whatnots in attempt to add some value to your purchase price…but with a set list including but not limited to Californication, Otherside, Scar Tissue, Under the Bridge, Give it Away, Zypher Song, By the Way, Universally Speaking, Parallel Universe, Can’t Stop and my all time CP favorite, “Don’t Forget Me” - every song had the crowd singing dancing cheering ROCKING.  They opened with "By the Way" and jammed out 15 songs not to mention the solo jamming and interludes. Keidas who stunk the shit out of the first show I caught at the gay bay's Shoreline Ampitheatre, was fired up and hit all the notes despite running through a long, greatest fuckin’ hits set-list. They referenced LA about seventy two million times during the show, and when they sang that line from “Under the Bridge” that goes, “the city I live in, the city of angels” it just about brought the house down.  Flea even made an on the button comment about Magic Johnson being the best basketball player to ever walk the face of the earth and “better than Michael Jordan anytime.”Funny because Flea has got to be one of, if not the most talented bass player of all time.  Motherfucker even played the french horn during the encore.  Amazing.

I have seen bands with many more members who cake on layers of complex arrangements sound far less intense and melodic than what the Peppers put forth tonight.  In a time where wannabe funkpunk is running amuck and music fans are championing the electronic complexity of bands like Radiohead, The Red Hot Chili Peppers came back home to show the world that they’ve got that war tested oldschool funk that ain’t to be fucked with.  Rock on.